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The bully. He’s tough, ruthless, cunning, merciless, manipulative and mean.
He’s habitually cruel or overbearing, especially to smaller or weaker people.
In the classic depiction, the bully forces his younger classmates to fork over
their lunch money. He’s a ruffian, a tough kid. He picks fights with other
boys and intimidates through fear. But today he has competition. Because
today’s bully is just as likely to be the prettiest girl in the school—and
the most popular.
"There is a myth among adults that people don’t like bullies, but in
the social fabric of kids, many female bullies are highest on the social
ladder," says Kathleen M. Quinn, M.D., head, child and adolescent
psychiatry, The Cleveland Clinic. "They are powerful and desirable—the
Queen Bees."
Bullying typically arises when a popular but insecure girl fears losing her
social status because of some newly identified threat. "Female bullying
starts in late elementary school and continues through middle school and into
early high school, with the peak at age 13," says Dr. Quinn. "It is
most likely to become a problem when there is competition for boys, a place on
the cheerleading squad or other ‘prize’ that defines social status."
Sometimes it is a female classmate whose own star is rising; sometimes it is
a new female student who captures the boys’ attention. The overwhelming desire
to maintain power drives some girls to target these "threats" for
repeated acts of aggression.
While urban girls often imitate boys by resorting to physical violence,
suburban girls inflict harm and distress through verbal intimidation, social
isolation and rejection. For instance, they often enlist the help of friends to
torture a victim by sending hate e-mails and notes, ignoring the girl,
whispering about her, taunting her and excluding her from social gatherings. Any
ploy is fair game, including spreading lies.
"Their methods can be very insidious and slip easily under the radar of
adults," says Dr. Quinn. "These girls become adept at looking
angelic."
As a consequence, teachers tend to underestimate female bullying as a
problem. But according to one report published in spring 2001 by the Henry J.
Kaiser Family Foundation in collaboration with Nickelodeon, 75 percent of middle
school children say bullying is widespread. Parents may be unaware of its
existence or its impact. Yet approximately 160,000 students miss school each day
to avoid being bullied. Bullying is a source of clinically relevant depression
and anxiety among children; it has even been linked with teen suicide. (Suicide
linked to bullying is sometimes called "bullycide.")
Who gets bullied?
Female bullying commonly occurs in the wake of transition: an individual
changes schools, elementary kids graduate to middle school, kids change schools
because of redistricting or bussing. Such transitions disrupt the existing
social structure and the jockeying to re-establish that structure can result in
bullying.
"A lot of bullying," says Dr. Quinn, "centers on what you
wear, how much you own, what you look like. It occurs during a period when most
children are trying to find themselves, and they view the world in black and
white. They are either ‘in’ or ‘out.’ There is no middle," says Dr.
Quinn. In short, there is no room for individuality in these age groups; it’s
all about belonging.
Not surprisingly, children who are different in appearance, or whose social
class or economic status does not match those of the ‘in’ crowd, are common
targets of bullying. At the other end of the spectrum, a girl who possesses an
item the bully covets can be a target. For instance, a girl who comes to school
with a cool handbag or the newest "in" jeans—items the queen bee
wants and doesn’t have—can suddenly find several of her peers turning on
her.
Ironically, the unsuspecting target of bullying often is an attractive,
outgoing girl who transfers into a school and sparks the attention of her male
classmates. A queen bee may view this newcomer as a threat. So the bully will
cajole her followers to exclude the newcomer from their inner circle,
effectively isolating her.
Rumors may be started to smear her reputation, with the hope that the boys will
lose interest in or even shun her.
Some girls may turn on their best friend for reasons the friend is never
told. For instance, just to climb the social ladder and gain acceptance in the
"in" crowd, a girl may betray a best friend’s trust by revealing to
other friends critical comments made in confidence.
Resolving problems
Despite the continued belief in some circles that bullying is a harmless
phase of childhood and adolescence, that enduring or standing up to it can
"build character" or that ignoring it will make it stop, no studies
thus far have demonstrated any evidence that supports such notions. In fact,
bullying can have devastating, lasting consequences that affect not only the
bully and the victim, but also the community in which the activity occurs.
Studies have also shown, says Dr. Quinn, that bullying can erode school morale
and undermine academic performance.
But bullying, says Dr. Quinn, also cries out for adult intervention. That
means that adults have to be aware that bullying is common and that sometimes
they are in the best position to do something to stop it.
"It is very important for parents and teachers to reflect on whether
they are part of the solution or part of the problem," says Dr. Quinn.
"Are the kids learning to bully at home? Is ignoring the problem at school
making it worse?"
Parents of bullied children need to do their best to document details of the
incident (e.g., time and place, participants, possible witnesses, what
transpired), present that information to school administrators and ask them to
develop a plan of action for resolving the problem. Dr. Quinn also advises
parents to compare notes with other parents and even ask for their support in
getting school administrators to act.
To be effective, interventions must involve the entire school, says Dr.
Quinn, with a no-tolerance policy for bullying coming from the principal.
Educational videos, role playing and regularly held school assemblies that focus
on preventing bullying can help draw attention to the problem and give students
the tools they need to stop it. "Interventions energize groups so that no
bullying goes unaddressed," says Dr. Quinn. "The objective is to make
bullying unacceptable."
Thankfully, female bullying tends to dissipate with age. As children mature
and become more secure, says Dr. Quinn, they are less interested in identifying
and ridiculing targets who are "different." They also become more
accepting of individuality. By 10th grade, the tables turn on the
female bully. She becomes the outcast, no longer admired and respected, and
ironically, a target for ridicule.
Bullying boys, says Dr. Quinn, may not be so quick to evolve. "The kids
who bully throughout high school tend to be those with antisocial tendencies.
Some maintain their bullying ways into adulthood, and continue to rule through
intimidation. These children badly need to learn how to channel their anger,
frustration or contempt in acceptable ways," says Dr. Quinn.
If you suspect your daughter is being bullied…
Many children who are bullied think they have done something wrong, are too
embarrassed to talk about the incidents or fear that the rejection by peers will
disappoint a parent. Some girls feel that talking to parents will be a waste of
time, because they assume the parents will not stand up for them. As a result,
many girls endure bullying silently. Warning signs of bullying include:
- Reluctance to go to school
- Tearfulness
- Falling grades
- Frequent visits to the school nurse
- Torn or missing clothes or possessions
- Nightmares, bedwetting or sleep disturbances
- Refusal to use the bathroom at school
- Loneliness
Parents who suspect that all is not well with their daughters should use
open-ended questions to broach the topic. For example: "You’ve been
talking about how you don’t have any friends. What makes you feel that
way?" Depending on the answer, a parent might follow up with, "Is
someone mistreating you?" Parents should show concern. If the child will
not open up, says Dr. Quinn, parents who experienced bullying as children, or
had friends who endured it, can talk about these personal experiences as a
means of encouraging children to open up.
Selected reading for parents
Bullies & Victims: Helping Your Child Survive the Schoolyard
Battlefield. By Suellen Fried and Paul Fried; M Evans & Co. (1994).
Your Child: Bully or Victim? Understanding and Ending Schoolyard Tyranny.
By Peter B. Sheras, Ph.D; Fireside (2002).
Odd Girl Out: The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls. By Rachel
Simmons; Harcourt (2002).
Queen Bees and Wannabees: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip,
Boyfriends, and Other Realities of Adolescence. By Rosalind Wiseman;
Crown, 2002.
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